The Best Form of Birth Control According to Uncle Fred
For whatever reason, when I sat down to write my blog today, I thought of my Great Uncle Fred. He was hilarious, and somewhat naughty for his time. That’s probably why I liked him so much. The following is advice he gave to my aunt when she got married, but I wrote it in first person.
Fred straightened to his full six foot five and began his speech. "Over the years I have perfected the absolute best form of birth control. As you know, it's worked because I don't have any children.”
I knew his lack of children was due to a defect known in my family as “shootin' blanks”, but I didn’t interrupt.
"Now, I don't give my secret to just anyone, but I will share it with you."
Fred took a handkerchief out of his shirt pocket and wiped his brow. When finished, he meticulously folded and replaced it. Then he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out something grasped tightly within his fist. I was curious.
"Are you ready? This is ridiculously simple so I don't want you to miss it."
I smirked. "I'm ready."
Fred picked up my hand. "Open it up." He placed his fist with the object on my open hand just like he used to when giving me penny candy as a kid. "You sure you're ready?" I felt a warm, rounded, heavy object drop into my palm. "There it is!"
I gazed at the utterly plain rock sitting in my hand. "Uh-"
"You don't get it?" he asked.
“No, I don’t get it Uncle Fred.“
"I guess I'll have to explain. I forgot you are your mother's daughter and a little naive when it comes to things like sexual relations." Fred took the stone between his thumb and forefinger and held it six inches from my nose. "This ordinary looking pebble is the answer to any and all birth control worries. All you have to do is put this miracle in your husband's shoe."
"In his shoe?"
"Yep. Slip this into his loafer, and it will be sure to make him limp. Problem solved.”
Thanks for the stories, and the laughs, Uncle Fred!